5 Things I’ve Learnt from an Ex-Best Friend.

So even though this is super different from my usual posts (which are full of pictures, memes and funny gifs – so you should definitely read them ha), I felt the need to write about it at some point of time as a step towards letting go. I’m also hoping that if anyone reads this, it might be relatable and possibly even reassuring in some way.

Like everyone else, I’ve experienced being hurt by someone close. Last year, I had an encounter with a close friend of mine which left me deeply hurt. I felt used, manipulated and very angry. Was it me? Was I imagining things? Despite these thoughts haunting me, I chose not to confront.  I was afraid of confrontation and escalation, and feared damaging more friendships.

A year later, and hopefully wiser, these are some things I’ve learnt.

Don’t count on Closure

Everyone uses “closure” as the ideal way of wrapping up things. But more often than not, this never happens. As humans, we justify our actions in every way possible. For most people, it’s not easy to look through someone else’s perspective of yourself – especially if it doesn’t portray yourself as a good person. Perhaps ten years down the road when all the emotions have faded, two people can sit down objectively to discuss about what happened. Then again, maybe not, so don’t count on it being the “only solution” to feeling better.

Don’t pull others into your fight

Why didn’t so and so stand up for me? Why didn’t someone take my side? These are thoughts that went through my head as it was all going on. It’s probably natural human psychology to want to feel accepted and supported. However, as shitty as this sounds, it’s just not their fight.

Don’t pull friends or family into it, and make them choose sides or fight with you. More feelings are going to be hurt, and you will be responsible for it. Yes, you might feel alone now, but don’t be selfish and put all your other relationships on the line by asking them to choose.

You’re not a bad person for not wishing them well

Even though some time has passed, it’s perfectly normal that you aren’t going to want to hear about how fabulously that person is doing – be it your ex moving on with someone better, or that friend doing oh-so-well somewhere. That’s okay, you’re not an evil person.

Healing takes time, so don’t fight with yourself. Instead, try to refocus that energy on improving yourself and making you proud.

Take whatever baby steps you need

Time won’t magically heal all wounds and make it sparkly again, so it’s up to you to take baby steps to empower yourself. If you feel like cutting off all points of contact or blocking someone on social media is going to help you feel better, then do it. Just be sure that you are not doing it out of maliciousness or impulse.

If you ask “What’s the point? Will he or she even care?”, you’re doing it for the wrong intentions. It shouldn’t matter whether he or she cares, or if it even impacts that person. You aren’t doing it to prove a point – you are doing it to help yourself heal and gain back a little control of your feelings.

It’s okay to not be okay

Chances are, you aren’t going to be okay for a long time. Life goes on as usual, and suddenly the emotions hit you all over again. That’s just how it’s going to be, and you have to learn to be okay about not feeling okay.

Accept your feelings as an opportunity to prove how far you’ve come and talk about it if you need to. Remember that you’re not alone – everyone around you has felt this way at some point of time, or they might even be going through their own personal struggle at the moment. So be kind and sensitive, to yourself and others.

When you talk about it over time, you’ll feel that it carries lesser pain than the previous time, and one day it’ll be bearable. This too shall pass.

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